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Interview with Pist On

12.10.99

I’ve been corresponding with Val for a couple of years now. In that time, we have become close in ways that only the digital network of decadence can provide, but fear not; there is no lack of intimacy here. I would venture to say that Val Ium of Pist On is one of the most talented (if not THEE most talented) female, hard rock vocalists I have ever had the pleasure of discovering. She’s sexy, she’s got a great sense of humor that drips with sarcasm, she’s mysterious, she’s a bad ass, and (get this boys!) she plays a wicked bass, too! Val Ium from Pist On is a class act. She is also in a class all by herself. In this class, she teaches “Bitch Ed”…

Any big plans for the millennium celebration?
I’m going to get naked and tape several meat cleavers to my body, then have my feet bound up and I am going to swing myself like a pendulum through the 3 million people expected in Times Square this year, hopefully resulting in a bloody massacre as the world has never seen. If not that, then I guess I’ll just watch the ball drop on tv.

New Year’s resolutions?
To quit my homemade bomb-making habit

Do you care whether or not California might fall off into the ocean with the next big earthquake?
Actually, I only care if there’s a promise that my ex-boyfriend will be there when it happens >:-) And while you’re at it, take that Jennifer Love Hewitt chick with ya, too!

What is the deal with the tour for your second release “$ell Out”? What happened?
Well, we were offered the chance to open the Saxon reunion tour in Russia and we just couldn’t say no. And who could blame us?!

Are you planning any solo projects?
Yes, actually, I will be doing a solo project and Fred Durst will be appearing on it.

Do you have pets? If yes, what?
Can Burton be considered a pet?

Do you come from a large family? Any brothers or sisters?
Yes I do. Two brothers and one sister…but I was actually adopted. My real family lives in Arkansas. You can see them featured in the film, “Deliverance”. My brother Leroy is that kid on the swing playing banjo. Talented kid, ain’t he?

Can you cook?
Baby, I SMOKE!

Who do you take after more, your mother or your father?
I take more after Satan, of course…I guess that would make me Daddy’s little girl! Which makes me pose the question, why can’t Satan be a woman? (Oh, that’s right, she is — her name’s Courtney Love.)

Where was the last show you played?
Sold out show in London at the Garage. That was the night our drummer shoved his drumstick up his ass and threw it into the audience…and the kid who caught it made him sign it. I love the UK!

What are the guys in the band up to?
Well, we haven’t played together in awhile…so I guess that means they’re playing with themselves >:-)

Do you think God is dead?
Nope, He’s alive and well and living in my shoe.

Seen any good movies lately?
Yes, I highly recommend “Rock & Roll Frankenstein (www.rrfrankenstein.com)It’s a new film about a guy who wants to create the ultimate rock star, so he digs up the bodies of Elvis, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix and he accidentally screws Liberace’s penis onto the monster…and sure enough, millions die.

If you could have anyone play you in a movie, who would it be?
How about Angelina Jolie? Am I pushing the envelope here? She’s pretty intense, but she might be too beautiful to be me. Maybe Divine’s a better choice…

What is the most embarrassing cd you own?
MY RUIN

Are you planning to do any collaborative work with any other bands? VERY possibly. A very close friend of mine in a very cool band who’s actually based in L.A. has suggested that to me, but, I don’t wanna say who yet in case it doesn’t work out. I will say that they are a very cool bunch of females, though.

Who have you always wanted to work with?
Artist-wise? I would still love to do an actual duet with Peter Steele, because I think our voices are complimentary to each other…too bad our personalities aren’t (just kidding, Grandpa) I’d also love to replace Geezer Butler in Black Sabbath…I’d also love to play bass with The Foo Fighters. I’d also love to sing backing vocals for Meatloaf…I’d also love to play bass with Parliament/Funkadelic…but hell, I’m just a little white girl with a little bass, so, I think I will quit while I’m ahead!

If you could have homes in 3 different places, where would you have them built?
Easy! Right here in NYC, because I love this city, but, I’d settle for a place in London and one in the country, right outside of a major Japanese city.

Do you drive? If so, what kind of car?
I don’t drive, but I have a diesel-fueled ass!

Are you a morning person or a nighttime person?
All depends on how much crack I’ve managed to obtain the day before.

Who are your idols?
My mother. There will never be another woman like her. She left my life 5 years ago this New Year’s. She was extraordinary. I also love(d) Wendy O Williams and I’m pissed off that she cut her own life short. I also worship my boyfriend’s cock…does that count?

What are the worst things and the best things about being a musician?
BEST THING: Being onstage. WORST THING: Yeast infections

If you were applying for a “normal” job, what would you say were your best attributes?
I can jerk a guy off and bake a souffle’ at the same time. You’d think that sort of talent would have gotten me farther in the music biz by now…

Where would you rather be, ground zero or in a bomb shelter?
I thought New York city WAS ground zero!

What color makes you feel sexy when you wear it?
Puce

Describe your house/apartment. (style, colors, furnishings, etc.)
An eclectic mix of traditional Japanese meets war-torn Bosnia.

What class would you teach if you were a school teacher?
Bitch Ed!

What songs would be good to strip to?
Remember that song that went, “Me So Horny, Me Love You Longtime, Baby”? That’s the one. Either that or the Dradel Song.

Who is the hottest guy in America?
The little midget guy from Kid Rock!

What are you doing tonight?
Nothing much…wanna get naked and play Twister with me?

Let me just get out of these clothes…

(Please visit the Pist On website at www.pistarmy.com for more information about the latest on the band. AND BUY THEIR CDs!!!!!!)

Lesa Pence

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